Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood

http://www.jesuslist.com/jesus-take-the-wheel.html

If the link doesn't work copy and paste into your browser.

There are other links at this site that I have not checked out. I just wanted to post the words to this song. It's a song that has been speaking to me. It is played on Country and Christian radio stations and has been out for several months.

I think it was about a month ago I started listening to Country music.  Which I will admit for many years I didn't listen to because it didn't appeal to my music tastes.

My music tastes have ranged through out the years starting in my childhood (the 60's)when at home in the city it was what was called Soul music, Motown, and an occasional bubble gum hit that would be played over and over until the songs would annoy me.  Then one time I was at my Grandma and Grandpa's farm and I found my Aunts, 45's and little turntable that only played 45's (vinyl records, something I know will never make a come back) I found music of the 50's, Bill Haley and the Comets, Elvis, Nat King Cole, and many others I can't remember. I played those records over and over.

The other music I listened to on the farm was blasted from my Uncle's radio in the barn, Country Western. When I spent my summers visiting and working on the farm I started to like the "barn music".  I only listened to it then, not back in the city.

The beginning of my teen years (70's) I fell in Love with Jimi Hendrix. I was so sad when I found out he was dead. Then Deep Purple, Led Zepplin, and other Classic rock.  Yet, I still kept some of my soul 8-track tapes (those have come and gone, and wore out after repeated constant playing).  Albums and audio-cassettes the newer way to play music and didn't wear out, plus you could tape songs off the radio. I liked cassette tapes and still do.

During the late 70's when I was nearing 18 (in 1977) I was into some of the original metal / rock bands, Judas Priest, Ted Nugent, Areosmith, UFO, Pink Floyd, Dio, (somewhere I have a list of all the concerts I went to, I think I still have it) and during my mid/late teens attended many concerts. My life style changed, to drugs and alcohol. I can't say it was the music or when it happened but my so called friends were the influence. The group of people I got involved with and my desire to belong. I started smoking cigarettes when I was 12 years old. My Mom smoked and it was easy to sneak a few. My sister and I did that. Then at age 14 there was a little family run store (in the city) and if the "old grandpa guy" was working he would sell us cigarettes.  The other way we used back then was our Mom or one of the other kid's Moms would write a note and give use money to buy cigarettes.  My sister was good at copying the cursive writing and she would write notes and we would get together the small change needed to to buy cigarettes or if we already had the money we would change the amount and add another pack. Matches were easy to get, plus we had a few Zippos (my Mom used a Zippo so fluid wasn't a problem) and we were cool. that's what we thought. Then another girl joined our group. She was an outright thief. She taught us how to steal anything, including cigarettes. I couldn't believe what she could walk out of a store with. I didn't steal, I felt it was wrong but I was guilty as my stealing friends. I remember I used to stand there and they would load my pockets with stuff, like make-up, No-Doz, cigarettes or whatever. Then we would each buy something and check out separately and leave the store. It was bad, it was wrong. But, I was shy and being accepted by these girls made me part of a group. I suppose now days we would have been called a girl gang. We did get into fights with some of the local guys that hung out together. (I grew up in a suburb, yeah a nice area back then) There was five of us that made of the main group.

Going off my music topic. So, I will continue with my teenage lifestyle.  Then something happened when I was 15.  I stopped hanging out and started studying the occult. I had no time for friends or anything else. I was completely absorbed. Then the depression and multiple suicide attempts. It's more complicated as it started (depression when I was younger) I stopped going to my Grandparents farm for the summers I just didn't want to go any where except the library to get more books on the occult.(No Internet back then) I studied more than I even studied at school and finally dropped out in 9th grade. I became silent and didn't want anything to do with anybody.  I withdrew from life and one day I stopped eating, showering, or doing anything but sitting on the sofa doing nothing. (Yes I did use the bathroom) My enthusiasm for living was gone. I didn't know what was happening to me. Looking back, I know what happened. I let evil take over me. Not possession but my life became nothing. I had let the devil take over my life. My Mom finally did something. She packed up some of my clothes and had me get in the car. She took me to a child and Adolescent Treatment center. A psychiatric hospital for children and teens. I recovered after about 3 months of treatment, but my Mom didn't want me back home. I stayed for over a year until her insurance ran out and she had to take me home. While I was away my Mom and sister became even closer and I was an outsider. (I still am the outsider) My father, well my parents were divorced before I was 3 years old and have never met him. He was and still has never been a part of my life.

I would over hear my Mom and sister talking about me. They said, be careful what you say because she is crazy and we don't know what she will do.  I wasn't crazy, just misunderstood. I hated coming back home and wanted to leave. I wasn't a part of our little family just some crazy 16 year old. I was more lonely but tried to keep from falling apart again. I hurt feeling so alone in my Mom's home. I can't imagine treating your own daughter like a thing that exists in your home. The depression came back even though I took medication. I began to hate my life, feeling unwanted by the people who were suppose to love you. I couldn't talk to any other family members. I did talk with my Grandma on the phone. She was the only person I felt loved me. My Mom didn't tell any of our family about my "going away". I was a disgrace to her. My old friends had nothing to do with me.

Then one day, I got new prescriptions for the month. I decided I can't live here and I have no place to go.

(sidebar: we went to church every Sunday when I was a child and my Mom was even a Sunday school teacher for the High School kids, she was such a hypocrite. The two-faced bitch. She could act all nice to everyone else but me. Why? I couldn't figure out why she never accepted me. All those years of mental torture treating me like trash. Now she is going to die from Cancer and now she says "Love you" and acts like this is the way it's always been, still the hypocrite. Doesn't she remember how she put me down daily with her words and actions while I was a child and teen? I didn't have a father and I didn't have a mother.) I did learn about God and the Bible but never learned about salvation. A luke warm church. I did learn about prayer and talking to God. I still didn't understand God had a plan for my life, or why Jesus died on the cross. I was only a child and lacked understanding. I stopped going to church when I was around 13 years old because it didn't make sense. People being nice and talking about God one day a week and then the rest of the week nothing. Except when I was a young child of about 7-8 years old I said a prayer to God. I asked God to be my Father since I didn't have one. I asked if I could talk to him. I don't know but after asking that and when I prayed I talked to God, not in some set repetitive prayers like at church or said at the dinner table. I believed in God as the Father (I didn't understand about the Son, Jesus and the Holy Ghost how they were one with the Father) and I would talk to him about anything and everything. So, during my childhood I had a Father, someone I could talk to when I needed to talk to my Father. Then I couldn't take going to church anymore when I was 13, something changed and I realized the church we went to wasn't right. I was so confused and then my life took a different direction within a year. As, I wrote about above.)

I was 16 and decided I was bad and I was never going to be right about anything I did. I had two bottles of pills. I didn't write a note because there was no one who cared about me, except my Grandma. She never knew what I had been through because my Mom didn't tell her and I couldn't tell her because my Mom was right there when I was on the phone. No one knew, my Mom made sure of that.

I was home alone. I started taking the pills, about 20 at a time. If I had taken both bottles or even one bottle all at once I would have just puked them back up. Over about a 4 - 5 hour time period I finished both bottles. I could feel myself fading away.  I went to the phone and called my Mom at work.  I wanted to say good-bye, or something. she called the paramedics and came home. They arrived and checked me out and took me to the emergency room. I knew they were too, late I had so much of the chemicals in my blood. I wasn't feeling anything. I could talk a little. I remember the drive to the hospital. Given Ipecac syrup to induce vomiting. I did, then I started falling asleep. Then managed one last puke onto the nurses shoes. I remember her making a comment. They didn't use a stomach pump, they didn't know how much I took  (Valium and Thorazine, which is what I was put on at the adolescent center, everyone there was just about on Thorazine, the zombie drug, to keep you docile) I got and IV and a catheter. (that's so I wouldn't pee on the bed) I woke up again on a gurney getting onto the elevator.  Then I was sleeping. They put me in a bed in a room. Then I died.

To be continued

02/25/2006

My belief at the time was that when you died you entered into a void of nothingness. That all feelings, senses, and life would be gone. I wanted to be dead and buried or cremated whatever, I just wanted the nothingness. Since my life had become totally meaningless and I felt useless and didn't want any part of this world anymore.

That night something happened that I now believe was a miracle. This experience still transcends my rational and factual thought process. I died or had what is called a Near Death experience (NDE) but I really think that being near death doesn't explain it correctly. Since I, my soul, my life force or energy, left my body. I crossed from this life to the next. A place I did not know was even there at the time when it happened. It wasn't a dream, or a hallucination, as the pills I took would prevent such a thing from happening. 

I could feel, see, hear and it was all good. I was out of my physical body, I was in the spirit. Overwhelming joy, peace, freedom, and yet I was still me. I could see a light ahead of me and I was going to the light and heard voices. I can't remember what they were saying but they seemed familiar. There was darkness all around and I wanted to get to the light as fast I could, because I didn't want to stop and be in the darkness. As I got closer but not yet to the light, I had a sharp pain in my chest. I was back in my body and cried out, "Stop, it hurts" and opened my eyes. I looked and there was a man standing by bed. The room was dim with light only coming from the other side of the curtain, as there was another person in the bed next to mine.

I looked at this man and he looked at me. I didn't say any more words with my mouth and this man never said a word with his mouth. We stared at each other. Yet we were speaking. He asked why I did this and said it wasn't my time. I said I was sorry and would not do it again and a feeling of guilt filled myself. I wanted to cry for what I had did and also for having to come back to my body. I felt shame for trying to end my life. That it was not my right. It wasn't until years later, I would figure out what had happened.

During an arguments with my Mother, I made the comment, "I wish I had stayed dead when I had died that time."  My Mom asked me what was I talking about. I told her she really never cared if I lived or died because when I was in the hospital from the the overdose I died and she never said anything to me that she was glad I didn't die. She said that they never said anything to her about that. I just thought she was lying to me. I told her what had happened. She didn't say much of anything that I can remember.  The subject was left alone for many years.  

In 2003, I asked a doctor to request medical records from the hospital I was admitted to in Milwaukee. They didn't have many records but did have the the emergency room records and of my stay from what they have listed as "Drug Ingestion". I have copies of these records. I was admitted on 11/19/1974 with the last notes dated 11/20/1974.  I have no Ward records as they didn't keep them. I don't remember if I was discharged on the 21st or not, as I slept most of the time. I have read through these records and have had a doctor read through them to find where it says my heart stopped and I had to be revived. There's no notes wrote about this.

Thinking through the events that occurred that night things didn't seem right. Last October, 2005 I was admitted to the emergency room with chest pains. There were three nurses and two doctors. Bright lights on, a "crash cart" was wheeled near the bed. I was hooked up to an IV, an oxygen mask was put on me, auto-blood pressure cuff, an EKG performed, etc. It was a flurry of activity. They thought I was having a heart attack. They were preparing for this to happen. Then my cardiologist, arrived and he had the nurse give me a Nitroglycerin tablet under my tongue. Then the chest pain went away, but I got a really bad headache and was given Tylenol. I was in the emergency room for about three hours. They were going to admit me to the hospital. I refused because I had to go home because my sons would be getting home from school and had no where else to go. I signed myself out and got a prescription for Nitroglycerin and got a ride home.   

to be continued  

03/02/2006

Even though I had come to this conclusion about the man in the room the night I died. I couldn't confirm it. I know what happened really happened to me. I had died the physical death, and my soul was set free from my body. (As, I already mentioned at the time of my overdose I had believed when you died there was nothing, and I was very firm in my belief)

While during the years I have read books and seen shows on TV about Near Death Experiences and astral travel.  First a little about astral travel, if you don't know what this is and I highly don't recommend this type of thing. Astral travel is performed while you are in a resting state or in deep meditation. The person is able to leave there physical body and travel in the spirit. In most cases I have heard or read about the person has like a spirit form rope that connects them in the spirit attached to their physical body. They are able to travel about and then return to their bodies. When they (spirit form) returns to their body their heart gives a somewhat intense pain, when the the spirit and body reunite.  A friend of mine told me of a similar experience and at the time he was not even trying to astral travel. He did not like the experience and it only happened the one time. I don't know if when a person astral travels if their body is temporarily "dead" but the fact that when a person returns it causes a great heart pain it seems possible. Therefore performing astral travel could cause permanent heart failure leading to death. I don't know but will say again don't do this, it hurts your body. Then I think what if you are in spirit and can't get back to your body what would happen if you died, would you be stranded on the earth in spirit? I don't know.

In the Bible there are writers (can't think of anyone except John in Revelation 1:10 at this time) who says I was in the Spirit...  This makes me think that John was not in his physical body at the time when he witnessed and wrote The Revelation.  I am not a Bible scholar and am not dogmatic and do not dissect the Bible trying to find errors. (I used to have a good memory and memorized many verses but through many years of being a "Prodigal daughter" have forgotten a lot. Yet, again God does speak to me through the Bible. I take the Bible in Faith.)

Now what happened to me, at age 16, was not astral travel, since at the time I knew nothing about it. So I can eliminate that is what happened to me. Now, the NDE books and TV shows I have seen have similarities to what I had experienced. I had something I could relate to, except the man at my bedside in the hospital.

The Near Death Experience has been tried to be explained away as your mind creating this action. Sciences have tried to explain it as such. I have through out my life had an interest in the science of the brain and have don't my own personal studies. I could not relate to this mind creating this situation hypothesis. Something happened, it was real, it was death. I don't know how long I was dead but I was and believe this to be true. 

Why did it happen? First, I took enough pills to physically make it happen. I was in a completely hopeless state of living. As, I explained earlier what happened, the man, the no record in my medical file, my Mom not knowing anything, just really confused me.

What I believe happened is yes my heart stopped, I died and left my physical body and entered into the spiritual realm between life and physical death. I tried while in spirit to reach the other side but was stopped and brought back to my body.  I now knew there was more after death than nothingness. This was a turning point in my life. A time when I given the opportunity to cross from the physical to the spiritual. I did start reading my Bible and listening to Christian radio and watching Christian TV shows and was making an attempt to be a Christian. I prayed the prayer of Salvation and was trying to connect with God in the ways that were available to me. I was only 16, and there was so much I didn't understand. All I had was my Bible, some other Christian books, radio and TV at the time. I did not go to Church or even know what Church would have the beliefs I now had. In essence, I had become a "Born Again Christian", 31 years ago, but without connecting with real people who could help me understand I fell away, back to the life I had been living with drugs and alcohol.

As, I wrote previous about my ER experience last October, I had something to compare when a person is having heart problems.  Back when I was 16 in the hospital and my heart stopped there were no bright lights, multiple medical staff rushing around, crash cart brought in etc. I was in a dimly lighted room, (the light was coming from the other side of the curtain) and the person on the other side of the curtain, (who I never saw) was silent during my stay in the room, it was an ICU room. I think the person in the bed next to mine was never awake as they never talked or made any sounds.

I have read books and seen TV shows about Angels coming in different forms (this was later after my NDE experience, not before). Some who were seen, some just voices, and even feeling their touch. I do believe in Angels, in fact the man in my room was an Angel. I don't know how he brought me back to life. There wasn't and medical equipment in the room with him. The only thing I remember was the intense pain in my chest, which must have been my heart starting again. His silence and his eyes so kind and concerned just looking at me and I at him. I had only spoken the complaint, "Stop it, it hurts." I didn't even ask who he was. His image, his physical appearance still remains in my mind. The non-verbal communication between us. The feeling of guilt I felt for what I had done to myself. It was not my time to die, and God sent an angel to bring me back to this earth.

Since that time things changed in my life. I had made a connection with the spiritual side. Except it was a connection with the good and evil spirits. I have lost count of how many encounters I have had but they still keep happening. Knowing good and bad things before they happen. These continuing encounters I will write about in another post.

In ending, I will say that God gave me a view of the life after this. It is real, it is not in the mind. Angels have saved my life several more times since then. Spirit encounters still occur in my life, and the lives of my children. I can say this in truth and fully believe that at death the spirit (soul) remains and continues to the next life of the spiritual, eternal and forever. I believe in God, the Holy Trinity, the Bible and in Angels.

Finally Winter has come to Wisconsin. The most snow is arriving west of where we live. This is good and bad. Since we are on the edge, we are getting, snow, rain, freezing rain, a variety of what ever is wet and cold coming from the sky.

A couple hours ago a thunder and lightening storm breezed by. Very interesting day and I have to go to town. A half mile walk (no car) which typically takes 20 minutes but with the ice will take longer.

I know this may not seem important but it's the first time Winter weather has been here. The weather has been so strange. About three weeks ago (maybe) it was in the 50's. In fact just this week on, I think it was Tuesday in the 50's because I got upset when my sons came home from school not wearing their coats. We called the temperature and time and it said 54 degrees.

This weekend wind chills of 20 below zero.

Over 100 schools in Wisconsin closed and other activities canceled today.

Just wanted to write this some where to remember this day.

My Mom and Step-Dad left last week Tuesday, in their new 53' motor home for Florida and will be back next Friday.  I asked to go with but no. Next month they fly to Hawaii for like three weeks or so. Again, I asked to go and got a no.

This just shows me that if you plan wisely for retirement you can do a lot of traveling. I better get busy. I haven't worked since April 2003. Really.

It's good that my Mom gets to do these things. She is dying of Cancer. She had a tumor removed from her ovary the size of a grapefruit in March of 2003. She is currently Stage III. If she lives according to the the Cancer charts I have read she has 5 years from 2003. So she is starting her 4th year of 5 years. She still doesn't look sick, except when she lost her hair from chemo.

My Aunt, my Mother's sister died from complications of surgery to remove a Cancer tumor in 1980, she was only 43 years old. She had Ovarian Cancer, too.

Since I knew about this, when I delivered (by C-Section, sidebar, I don't recommend this type of delivery, the other way is better, faster recovery, unless you have to have a C-Section) my twin sons in September of 1998 I asked the doctor to remove my uterus and ovaries. He refused because he could not justify removing healthy organs. I wish he could of used foresight. I did have a tubal liagation (tubes tied). So, I am not using these organs anymore. I was concerned about birthing after 50+. I have four children. (I lost my first, when I was 18, and am thankful that he is with God)

It was just announced on the radio my sons school is letting out at 12:30 so, now I will have to convince my sons to walk to town with me when they get home. No way can they stay home a 12 year old and twin 7 year old boys. My apartment is nice and clean and they would just plain tear it up and my bedroom would be first. They think I have hidden treasure in my room. In fact I think they know where everything in my room is better than me. I know that's something that doesn't change. I still remember my sister and I going on treasure hunts in my Mom's bedroom.

The twins can total a room in under 5 minutes. I don't why. They did tell me they mess up their room so I can't find their toys and throw them away.  I don't throw away good toys just the destroyed ones. One twin is banned from scissors. He cut up over half their socks one day. No reason. They don't do these things out of anger. It's more like because it's something to do. Then when there's two you have support of your actions. Just like the writing on the walls. They know their alphabet and how to write their names. So, I know who does the writing. We have a lot of paper. They now know if they write on the walls they get time-outs and toys taken away.

Spanking and hitting are never an option for discipline. I tried the spanking, three spanks on the butt and well I got hit back. So, spanking doesn't work. It only creates a hostile environment.

I know if I did something wrong I would not like being hit. Now as an adult and the spankings I got with a quarter inch thick hard wood paddle when I was a kid. Times have changed.

Such ramblings, I just let go today and now have to end. My little darlins' will be home soon.